Freewrite 5

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Freewrite 5

Post  Patrick Varin on Sun Nov 28, 2010 7:30 pm

Hate:
Sand in my shoes
Paper cuts
Holes in my socks
Dry air
Dry weather
Rain
Hunger
Aching feet



Love:
Belgian Chocolate
Passion fruit
The warmth of sunshine
A warm rain
Climbing
Swimming
Traveling
Hiking



I’ve planned and packed and prepared
And the day begins in silence
Under the mountain’s shadow

Capped with its hat of snow
Forests at its feet

I breathe the last breath
Of anticipation
As I pull my laces tight
And step onto the trail

Somewhere, somehow
The forest in its cunning
Planted a pebble in
My shoe

The miles passed and slowly
I felt a mass
Small against my heel

It went at first unnoticed
But grew with my attention
Until it fell away when I
Found another distraction

The peak continued to tower
Against the sky
Through the trees, branches and leaves
And my foot began to sore

It ached burned a splitting pain
Till I came upon a brook
And sat upon a stump
To investigate the boulder in my boot

I found to my surprise
Not a boulder or a
Rock or even a pebble but
A grain of sand

I sat on the mountainside
Agape in astonishment
At the small mountain crumb
And the hole in my foot

Patrick Varin

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Join date : 2010-09-14
Age : 26

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Re: Freewrite 5

Post  cbehling on Fri Dec 03, 2010 1:06 pm

I liked this! It was fun to read, and even funny at the end. I know the experience you're talking about all too well, and it's never fun. I liked this poem a lot. I think you should re-visit it at some point. There are a few choppy lines here and there. I think it has a huge amount of potential to turn into a great poem.

cbehling

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Re: Freewrite 5

Post  MaryShelley on Thu Dec 16, 2010 12:10 am

yes, as cbehling said, there is great potential here. that last stanza is utterly powerful, "crumb of a mountain"...
my question is: do you really need the first two stanzas?
also, it is the fourth stanza that causes confusion
a great freewrite! focused

MaryShelley

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