In the Woods Rewrite

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In the Woods Rewrite

Post  Sarah Seko on Fri Nov 19, 2010 12:58 pm

Original
The day my grandfather saw the naked woman began at dawn. He and his brother Louie had parked the Chevy pickup at the edge of the woods and stepped down between the trees, carrying their rifles. When they lost sight of the road they parted. Louie disappearing deep. My grandfather found a stump, sat down, and waited.
Hours passed with no sign of deer or any other living thing. The middle of the day came but among the trees it was dark and still.
Then my grandfather heard a sound, a shuffling in the leaves. He looked up.

Rewrite
The time my grandpa witnessed the nude lady started at sunrise. He and his bro Louie had left the Chevy truck at the border of the forest and walked down between the brush, toting their guns. When they left view of the path they separated. Louie vanishing far. My gramps happened upon a log, had a seat, and anticipated.
Time elapsed with no indication of fawn or any other live being. Noon arrived but among the forest spirits it was shadowy and silent.
Then my grandpa registered a noise, a rustling in the foliage. He glanced up.

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Re: In the Woods Rewrite

Post  Admin on Fri Dec 03, 2010 1:02 pm

It's funny to me how you can give synonyms for all the words, yet still the new one seems to give less details. Somehow the original words seem so much more descriptive. A real eye-opener as to how precise the word choice really must have been.

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