FreeWrite2

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FreeWrite2

Post  jxl33 on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:08 pm

jxl33 wrote:The track field stands in the center of the building with runners surrounding it as though it was a captured prisoner. The field has a tint of blue and produces a nostalgic smell, a smell of love to the sport. The noise level is beyond loud, barely able to hear my coach’s instructions. The feeling of tension and pressure surrounds the bleachers, although coupled by the laughter of veteran runners. BANG! The sound which indicates the start of a race. Five runners dart pass the bleachers, hoping to be the first to the finish line. The intense vibration of the track field caused by the perfect strides of each runner can be felt and even heard at the door of the stadium. There was tension between each runner, hoping to beat out the other four. Meanwhile on the outer perimeter of the track field, beginners begin to warm-up by running a few laps around the track, only to be obstructed by the other athletes who are stretching on the floor. On the bleachers, chaos exists. People are constantly trying to move around and because of the vast amount of people; they are not able to go where they want to go. It was a traffic jam.



Descriptive despite being very short. I would suggest perhaps trying to expand it and break it up a little, though. It seems like you do an awful lot in one paragraph.

I'd also suggest re-reading for spots where it reads funny. There is a point where, for example, the noise level is listening to your coach's instructions it seems. It's not terrible, but it could use clearing up.

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Re: FreeWrite2

Post  Admin on Tue Sep 21, 2010 12:13 pm

Descriptive despite being very short. I would suggest perhaps trying to expand it and break it up a little, though. It seems like you do an awful lot in one paragraph.

I'd also suggest re-reading for spots where it reads funny. There is a point where, for example, the noise level is listening to your coach's instructions it seems. It's not terrible, but it could use clearing up.

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Re: FreeWrite2

Post  MrX on Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:37 pm

I liked the description of the arena and I felt as if I was on the track with you. Great job describing the noise levels and the chaos in the stands. I thought it was cool how you incorporated the fact that some people would run into each other while preparing for the race, a detail that not many people would use. Good job!

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Re: FreeWrite2

Post  MaryShelley on Fri Sep 24, 2010 12:04 am

There is definitely some cool writing in here, but the dangling modifiers hold you back. I also wanted a focal point, your race, your experience, rather than "meanwhile". I love your vivid language. Don't pan out while the race is in motion. This makes it hard for me to know what's important.

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