Dialogue - Sarah

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Dialogue - Sarah

Post  Sarah Seko on Tue Sep 28, 2010 10:47 am

So, I took a somewhat normal conversation and added an inner conflict which does not exist. At all. I may have fictionalized this a little too much.

Monday

Walking from West Hall to the Dining Hall had been like moving through a cloud of mist. Tim didn’t like it. The weather should just make up its mind. Rain or sun. None of this in between crap. He was hurrying through his meal to get back to Mod Sim, or Design Nature, or really anything that would take his mind off of her. The sharp sliding sound of the chair across the table awakened him from the dull roar of the Dining Hall. Identifying his new dinner mate as Katie, one of his classmates to whom he hardly spoke, Tim did a quick nod of the head and returned his attention to his turkey and squash.
“I am so excited, like SO excited” Katie declared, breaking the silence as she settled into her seat. “Today was an awesome Monday!”
Tim glanced up again, raising a quizzical eyebrow. Katie hadn’t really asked a question, but he knew she wanted a response. For half a second, he studied her face. How could anyone be so damn happy on a Monday? Just didn’t make sense. Reluctantly, he spoke.
“Why are you excited?” Tim’s characteristic monotone voice was flatter than usual, but in her excitement, Katie didn’t seem to notice his lack of enthusiasm.
“Because of an email,” she replied matter-of-factly in what seemed to be an attempt to build up suspense. “Ok, have you heard of Race for the Cure?”
Tim shook his head no, shifting the peas around his plate. He knew that would be the trigger that set her off.
“Oh my God, really?” She didn’t pause for him to answer. “Well, it is an event that raises funds and awareness for breast cancer. There are different events, like a survivor walk in the morning, and for like 18 hours someone from each team is always on the track. I was really involved in high school, and I emailed the local coordinator three weeks ago. I just heard back from them today, and they are trying to form a Wellesley event and think we could have a combined Olin-Babson-Wellesley team…”
Katie’s bright smile never left her face. But Tim tuned her out, focusing on the way she motioned with her fork as she spoke. He had heard about the event before. She had been the one who introduced him to it in high school. Of course, he hadn’t actually gone to the event. But that was before it had happened…before she stopped talking to him, before he had seen the “in a relationship” status on her profile. No. He was not going to let his mind go there. Not again. Not for the hundredth time today. He closed his thoughts and tried to focus his attention on the girl in front of him.
“…based on the idea that cancer doesn’t sleep, so neither will we.” Katie still had that same excited look in her eyes.
“That’s really cool.”
“Isn’t it?” Katie continued. “I’m really excited to get Olin involved.”
“Yeah,” Tim answered. “Yeah, that sounds cool. When it gets organized, make sure you tell me so I can go.” Tim didn’t know why he was feigning interest. He wouldn’t go.
“Yeah. For sure! Well, I have to go tell Cindy. So I will see you later.” Katie pushed in her chair. As she walked away, she couldn’t resist one more “Oh my God. So excited.”
Tim sighed. He wished he was that excited about anything. Maybe he would go. Or maybe he would at least entertain the idea of going. But no. In the end, he knew wouldn’t. Because, in the end, he knew it would only make him think of her. And that was not something he wanted to do. Picking up his empty plate, Tim walked toward the kitchen.

Sarah Seko

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Re: Dialogue - Sarah

Post  KenInGA on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:53 am

Very nice! I can definitely see this happening--and in fact I have seen it. I am kind of confused by the intro paragraph--you seem to suddenly jump from in between WH and the Dining Hall, to sitting in the Dining Hall eating. There isn't any kind of transition, so I got a tiny bit lost. Otherwise, pretty darn good.

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Re: Dialogue - Sarah

Post  cbehling on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:57 am

I like how well you captured the excited tone of the girl. I can see her there just chatting away. The opposing silence and inner turmoil of the guy at the table is equally powerful. As someone else commented, the beginning transition is a little odd, but the dialogue you have is good, and you really get a sense of the people involved.

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Re: Dialogue - Sarah

Post  LEit on Tue Sep 28, 2010 12:00 pm

Nice story about the conflict here, but it seemed to be more made of narrative rather than dialogue. When there was dialogue, it was very helpful. I love the repetition of "Oh my god, so excited". I can see this happening. Maybe the conflict could be set up more with dialogue.

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Re: Dialogue - Sarah

Post  jxl33 on Tue Sep 28, 2010 12:05 pm

The characters' voices can be heard pretty clearly in these dialogues. It helps give the reader a better sense of the atmosphere. The conflict is pretty obvious and can be easily inferred through the dialogue. For a casual conversation, the conflict is expressed very well.

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