Dialogue by cbehling

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Dialogue by cbehling

Post  cbehling on Tue Sep 28, 2010 4:04 am

Dining on Conflict

A story from Trim

Michelle hooked up with Alex. The two of them are okay with it, but Michelle feels awful because Elisa really likes Alex, and when she found out the two of them hooked up, she was very upset. Alex doesn’t want Elisa to do anything.

“No! You can’t tell her anything!”
“Oh come on Alex, she already knows about it. And I feel absolutely terrible. I shouldn’t have done what I did.”
“Are you saying you regret it?”
“No. I never said that. I just feel bad because Elisa really likes you, Alex. You might not see it that way, but she does. I need to apologize.”
“But – If you apologize, it’s as though you did something wrong.”
“I did. I shouldn’t have hooked up with you if she felt like that!”
“Elisa… Why does it matter how she felt? It’s not like she’s got any sorta claim on me, or anythin’.”
“She did have a claim though. It’s part of ‘Girl Code.’”
“That’s bull and you know it! One, ‘girl code’ is a joke. Only bro-code matters. Two, there’s nothing going on between Elisa and me. I’ve explained that to her god knows how many times. I mean, shit! By apologizing to her you’re just putting a friggin’ label on me. I don’t wanna be labeled as Elisa’s!”
“It’s not a label –“
“Fuck yes it is! You’re saying right now that I can’t hook up with anyone just ‘cause some random girl has a crush on me, to who I’ve already explained nothing’s happening between us.”
“Okay it’s a label. But I’d rather label you than lose her as a friend. I mean, seriously? Can’t you just let me do this? We’re friends, we hooked up. I need to apologize to a girl who I’m friends with for doing something she didn’t like. You need to sack up and deal.”
“I just don’t understand this at all. Why do you even need to say anything?”
“Because I feel awful!”
“So, you’re telling me that you feel bad because another girl liked me?”
“Yeah. I do. That’s entirely right.”
“But nothing is going on between me and Elisa, Michelle!”
“Alex, what do you not understand? Elisa feels bad. I feel bad. Not about what happened, but I feel bad about how she feels. Why don’t you understand that?”
“I understand just fine. I just don’t want you to do it.”
“Well I’m going to apologize to her, whether you like it or not. I need it off my conscience.”
“Ugh. Fine. Whatever. You’re labeling me.”
“No I’m not!”
“Yeah. You are. Don’t be so high and mighty about this either. Should I go apologize to Michael?”
“What?”
“You’re labeled too, ya know, Michelle.”
“Huh?”
“Michael likes you. You guys have sorta been involved.”
“Yeah… So?”
“The rule goes both ways then. You apologize to Elisa, I apologize to Michael.”
“What? Theres no reason for that!”
“Exactly!”
“Gaaaah! Men!”
“But seriously. Please don’t say anything to her?”
“We’ll see Alex, we’ll see…”

cbehling

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Re: Dialogue by cbehling

Post  Admin on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:56 am

Spectacular. I love how you incorporated such elements as girl code and bro code, and how you had interjections and interruptions formatted. The ending, especially, seemed to add realism to me- the threat to do the exact same thing to get a point across. It does more than just portrays a scene- the dialogue reveals the logic and the personalities of the characters in a way.

My only real suggestion is to try to get across action or surrounding scene inside this. The dialogue is smooth, and I can see/hear it in my mind, but that's only because I've seen these sort of conversations so many times before. Inserting brief comments that don't interrupt the progression of conversation but still allow us to "see" what they're doing a little better might be useful!

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Re: Dialogue by cbehling

Post  jxl33 on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:58 am

Definitely heard many of these conversations before. The ending seems to be on the awkward side which is how most of these situations end. Good job on capturing the voices which helps me picture the expression of the people's faces. Might be harder for people who never heard these conversations to understand though.

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Re: Dialogue by cbehling

Post  MrX on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:59 am

This was a very interesting dialogue. I didn't take my eyes off the screen for a second because i was too engrossed in the story. Good job at establishing the characters, especially Michelle. The reader can actually feel her emotions and understand what she is going through. Nice twist at the end with the introduction of Michael. That was pretty funny.

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Re: Dialogue by cbehling

Post  KenInGA on Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:59 am

I love the content. This is a hilarious conversation (especially the ending where he throws in the tidbit about Michael). The dialogue could use just a *tiny* bit of polishing to make it sound more natural, though. Otherwise, I love it.

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Geez

Post  LEit on Tue Sep 28, 2010 12:06 pm

That was an amazing conversation. Did you really hear one like that? Certainly real-life, and I'm wondering how much crafting you did to make it fit like that. The first paragraph is interesting, it sets the scene in a quick and effective way, but maybe it could be set with dialogue? Intense story.

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